God, Help

 Dikatakan bahwa kesepian meningkatkan risiko kematian. And I'm probably one of them. This is painful. I'm scared of death. It seems painful physically, but still I have some beliefs that there's a life after death. The only thing that prevents me from doing suicide is my beliefs. If i were not a moeslem, probably I've died a year ago. It's just somehow I end up in this situation again. 

My interest to the world somehow it has gone. I do still doing some world thing just because of my sin quite a lot, maybe not quite anymore. It's really a lot, I'm not even sure if my kindness can cover those sins. I'm afraid going to hell.

I don't wanna live, i don't wanna die either. I just wanna disappear, like I wish I'm supposed to be not born. 

Why did God create me? What He wanna me to do in this world? If it's all about his willing, then why why why it should be me?

"There's a reason, why did God create us" | yes of course the only one thing that who knows behind all of this reasons is Him self. At this point, maybe some people left their God. I don't wanna do that, even though my thoughts are quite dark enough, but sill I still have some beliefs even for a tiny like an atom.

Shit I'm crying. 

God please help me, guide me, I've nothing but You. This is painful. Please let me have some interest to the world, the brave to live, even though without the people I've known. Please forgive my mistakes. Please put me to your heaven, help me God, help me I'm begging.