So today I ask my dad and my mom about study abroad. My mom agree to let me continue my study in Japan, but my dad doesn't. I don't ask why, cuz maybe it's going to be hard if I go, and no one else stay at home again. I can't complain about that. Well on the other side I'm not ready yet. At least I can live with peace for now. Even though I still think about to work in the lab in Japan, maybe someday, but like the previous one, I need a intrinsic motivation. If I don't, it's going to be hard again to manage my mind.

Okaaaaay here we go!
Now I'm listening to songs of Mas Adhitya Sofyan in Spotify.
But anyway, I'm gonna talk about as I wrote on the title. Yes, it's about the study in Japan.

I took chemistry for my major when I was in senior hs. Not really sure why, but sometimes I thought

"maybe Allah gave me this chance to help people, for specific only for ummat Islam, in order to make Islam great again" 

I thought like that at least until the 5th or 6th semester I guess and after that slowly I started to think

"Do I really need to do that? I mean there are so many people have been doing that, so why should I? I don't see anything wrong from the Persis, the social organization of Islam that live around my home, the branch of course. Why should I join the organization and make some impacts? I still couldn't get the answer" 

I'm curious, that think, the way I think is created by my society around me? or is it the original thought of me? Weeeeeell, sometimes too I found some answers, it's a short time answer, so I'm not satisfied. Then I'm gonna keep looking for it, for my ikigai.

Sooooo back to the topic. For the same reason, my cliche question "Why should I do that?".

First of all, my skripsi supervisor, offered me twice to study abroad like my senior, in Nagoya, Japan.

Yes!! It's Japan! Oh my God! I mean, there are so many people who want to do that. Maybe, most of people will say "Okay, let's go sir! I will go". But for me, it's a big deal, and a lot of things to think about, in the end, I've to take an answer: take it or leave it. Ahhhh, it's a difficult decision to take.

Parents. I never live so far away for a very long time from my parents, God damn I'm just gonna miss them a lot like really a lot. I can imagine that, it's because when I live near to my campus, for one semester I do really miss my home, miss my dad, miss my mom, it's really hard. Is it really if I take it? Study in Japan? What if something I don't want to see happen to both of my parents? I just can't see those things. If it's called a "safe zone", then I'll be asking my mind again "Is taking a higher education have to be in other countries?" Deadlock answer, still until now.

For the positive view (maybe, cuz I don't really think this is something positive thing): I might be the first person my whole family to study abroad. So my family will be proud of me, of course there's no question about that. Some of them will post the photo of mine on their social media. But again, I don't want to take for proudness, so "why should I study abroad?".  Instead of making real impact for the society, I choose to run away from that responsibility as a part of society by taking my master in Japan. Oh I do really have social problem. I do want to make impact or the people around me, but my ability in social is lack of quality, i'm not that kind of person. It just confusing, maybe some people just gonna say "just try it  bla bla bla, just be bla bla bla", I've ever done with it and those aren't my thing. So Why should I? Another deadlock answer.

Maybe she knows the answer, maybe she's the answer, maybe she's the right person to share with. I wish I can talk, but yeah the current condition is really possible to do that. Wait hang on there, why do am I thinking about her? come on she has someone special and better than me! note that stupid. Well by thinking about my parents and her opinion. I think all I need maybe, it's just maybe: Inner motivation.

Right! Inner motivations, it's a thing that only that person has. I don't have it. If my parents want me to study abroad, like "hey son, just take it! it's a big chance, we might not know anything about what you learn, but we'll be supporting you", but they don't seem like that so WHY SHOULD I TAKE O STUDY IN JAPAN?

Or how about this one, by studying in Japan, me and her might have some special stories? lol, but still it's inner fucking motivation! hahahahahahahaha damn it, i start to imagine that again, walking at the sidewalk, taking some photos of sakura and her, aaaargghhhhh damn it, stop it! "Ngaliwet in Japan" Hey hey heeey! stop it!!!! okay be calm, everything will be fine without her. But well, she's had ever been my motivation to study in Japan. But yaa things are getting complex now. So again, WHY SHOULD I STUDY IN JAPAN?

Allah, the Almighty God, please give me your insight, give me your clue. Thank you. Cuz I do really have no idea. I do pray because, You said "He knows everything, His decision is always right, and we, humans do know nothing".

When I was jhs, probably when i was 13 until 15 years old. I was affected by emo.
I don't really remember how emo came to my life and shaped me.

Emo had been something special. In my puberty phase, emo style became my references. Because it's EMO! Emotions! Mostly it's caused by a girl? Hahaha now she's with my friends, well but they're really a good couple, happy for them.

From YouTube, I watched a lot a band called Secondhand Serenade. His songs is really emotional, I sang quite a lot with my friend in the class, in English of course, specially when I got galau by her, hahaha so stupid, well it's teenage love.  Secondhand Serenade's music taught me a lot about English, I translate it, I sang it, translate it again, and it repeat till I knew the vocabularies more than my friend in the class.

Back to emo. So emo had been known as a phase in a depressing time? i guess. No, I'm not going to talk about it. Emo is really well known in Black, Long hair, Broken. I tried to longed my hair when I was teen, but I can't of course due to in school system. But Now!! I'm in college, there are some times that I can use to make it long. And this is what I wanna have, when I was teen. I made it! The emo style. This is maybe the last of my long hair, I've been 23 yo and yaa, I should make movement, move on, change to be a better person. So aaand! I'm really happy because I can save my picture in emo style, maybe one day I will use it hahahaha or never.

Again, I am happy to know EMO!

"Masih banyak yang belum sempat aku katakan padamu"

Penggalan lirik Pilu Mmebiru oleh Mas Kunto Aji. Aku jadi ingin menghantarkan beberapa kalimat, meskipun pesan ini tak pernah sampai. Atau harus aku sampaikan? Ah, kurasa beberapa hal sudah seharusnya menjadi rahasia.

Berapa hari lagi menuju tanggal lahirmu? Hari ini 11 November. Tujuh hari lagi aku menuju 23, 19 hari lagi kamu menuju 22.

Kedekatan lewat chat sosial media nyatanya membawa perasaan lebih, siapa sangka? aku ternyata menjatuhkan diri tapi masih jauh dari berani.

Alhasil dalam nyatanya, kita tidak banyak bertegur sapa, dan kemudian yang tersisa hanya jejak. Mungkin aku seharusnya . . . ., Ah sudahlah.

Semenyesal itu aku, hanya karena tidak cukup berani, aku tidak cukup banyak pengalaman. Semenyesal itu.

Semoga kamu baik-baik saja. Akhir-akhir ini, maaf salah. Satu tahun terakhir ini aku tidak begitu baik, secara mental. Semoga kamu baik saja, teruslah seperti itu, teruslah berkembang. Sehat-sehat ya, jasmani dan rohani!

Aku pinjam lagi lirik Mas Kun, "tak tergantikan, walau kita tak lagi saling menyapa"

7 November 2019, berapa usiaku hari ini?

Jawabannya mendekati 23 tahun, secara masehi aku berumur 23 tahun di tanggal 18 nanti. Sudah tua ya ternyata, mendekati seperempat abad, tapi hidupku ya masih gini-gini saja ternyata, ibadahku jauh dari kata maksimal, kurang begitu banyak pengalaman.

Sejujurnya aku masih terlalu banyak memiliki ketakutan. Apa iya takut hal-hal baru? Mungkin iya juga. Karena setiap kali ada tanggungan yang harus dilakukan, seketika muncul 

"bagaimana kalau tidak sesuai rencana? bagaimana kalau gagal? apa yang terjadi padaku jika gagal? apa yang terjadi pada yang lainnya jika gagal? bagaimana mereka memandangku nanti? apakah aku masih akan bisa bertahan dengan kondisi seperti itu? apa tidak apa-apa jika terjadi begini begitu?"

Ya, ketimbang melihat banyak hal positif, rasanya pikiranku cenderung memikirkan hal-hal yang malah membuatku jatuh. Aku penasaran, apakah cara berpikirku salah? apa yang salah dengan mengkhawatirkan hal-hal yang belum terjadi tapi bisa saja terjadi? 

Entah itu benar atau salah, setidaknya aku masih waras untuk memiliki niat memperbaiki diri.

Cukuplah di usia 23 aku seperti itu.  Ayo mari lebih baik, sadar dirilah, aku itu terlalu banyak dosa sejak akil balig. Padahal sadar tidak sadar, sejak saat itu aku sudah menanggung dosaku sendiri. 

Catatan untuk diriku nanti jika membuka tulisan ini kembali:

- Perbaiki salatmu hey!!! dan juga perbanyak menghisab diri sebelum tidur, kamu mungkin banyak melakukan hal-hal berdosa, minta maaflah pada Allah, minta ampunkan lah orang tua. They are not gonna live forever. Note that. You've been doing too much bad things. Jadi tolonglah, cukupkan di 23 saja ya.

- Rajin-rajin salat sepertiga malam dong, tidak harus ketika memiliki keinginan untuk melakukan itu. Bukankah kamu rindu dengan salat khusyuk yang hanya dengan al-fatihah saja membuatmu menangis. Kapan terakhir kali melakukan itu? Sejak akhir-akhir di kosan sepertinya. Semenjak tinggal di rumah, apa semenjak dia menghancurkanmu? hahaha payah sekali. Semenjak itu mungkin rasanya terhitung jari, satu atau dua? entahlah. Ayo lakukan lagi., rasakan nikmatnya ngobrol sama Tuhan.

- Sudah di umur 23. Mungkin selanjutnya adalah pengolahan batin dari pertanyaan manusia-manusia: pekerjaan dan pasangan. Tidak usah terlalu terburu-buru, tapi mungkin percepatan tetap harus direncanakan. 

Untuk pekerjaan tidak perlu khawatir, kamu punya cukup modal untuk belajar, yang jadi PR adalah bagaimana kamu mengatasi rasa takutmu terhadap hal yang sangat baru, kamu harus mengganti cara berpikirmu itu. 

Untuk pasangan, santailah. Kalau memang lingkungan sekitarmu mengharuskan coba lah cari selain dia atau hiduplah sendiri dengan resiko hidup dengan perasaan itu? biar apa? biar seperti di film-film?

Ya kurasa tidak masalah juga sih pilihan kedua, rasanya perasaanku tidak bisa dipaksakan, yang jelas ketika berencana hidup berdua nanti mungkin sebaiknya aku perbaiki dahulu bagaimana caraku memimpin diriku sendiri, baru nanti melangkah cara memimpin anak orang lain.

Kukira saat ini tiga poin itu dulu yang harus kamu lakukan. Ingat ya Helmi! Terutama Salatmu itu loh!!